More than anything, I just want politics to be boring again.
I long for headlines so dull they barely register. “Minister Attends Meeting, Leaves On Time” is the dream. I want a government so functionally beige that I forget who’s in charge, because everything is just…working. No daily drama. No emergency press conferences interrupting my funny dog videos on Tiktok. No leaders subtweeting each other like teenagers with hurt feelings. Just solid, grown-up governance.
I want to go back to caring more about what I’m making for dinner than what fresh hell broke loose on Parliament Hill. I long to spend my mental energy on recipes and planning get-togethers with friends, not decoding the latest political scandal or doom-scrolling through comment sections like it’s my civic duty.
Because right now, politics is like a drug I can’t shake. I tell myself I won’t do it today. “I’ll go cold turkey,” I say. But then I sneak a peek, and before I know it, I’m mainlining political scandal and rhetoric straight into my veins. The hit is too raw. I should’ve cut it with a little light entertainment news and maybe a recipe or two. But it’s all politics, all the time, because the algorithm knows me too well. It lurks around the corner in a metaphorical van with Free Puppies scrawled on the side, then smacks me over the head with accusations of foreign interference once I’m inside. Suddenly, I’ve lost track of time, and when I snap out of it, I’m disoriented and cranky. How many hours just passed? What was I supposed to be doing today?
Pre-2016, I used to pop in around election time, cast my vote, and go back to my life. Now I’m checking polls more than my own bank account. My group chats used to be about brunch plans. Now it’s “Can you believe what he said today?” or “Is democracy actually dying?” It’s exhausting.
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And yes, I think Mark Carney might just be just the guy to break the cycle. I mean this in the best way possible: the man has Big Dad Energy. He seems like the kind of person who leaves voicemail messages that start with “Hi, it’s me, Dad, just calling to check in.” Steady. Predictable. The human version of a well-organized filing cabinet. And frankly, I’m into it.
I even listen to his audiobook Value(s) as a bedtime story. His calm voice lulls me to sleep, whispering about inclusive capitalism and ethical leadership. It’s basically ASMR for the politically exhausted. I drift off each night filled with hope, like a child who knows someone else is taking care of things. I have his next book on pre-order because honestly, it’s better than popping an Ambien. If he could narrate the Charter of Rights and Freedoms when he becomes Prime Minister, that would be great. Predictable, boring, and steadfast is exactly the antidote for whatever we’re calling this political hellscape we’ve been living in.
Because isn’t that the point of a functioning democracy? That the people we elect run things for us, so we can get on with the good stuff. Here, take my taxes. Please I beg you. Just give me and my fellow citizens health care we can rely on, solid infrastructure, and a way to retire. I shouldn’t have to babysit the government like it’s a toddler with a marker and a white couch. I want to live in a country where I can peek in occasionally to make sure nobody’s trying to light a fire, then go back to planning dinner like a normal person.
Imagine what life could look like under boring leadership. It’s an intoxicating thought. Dinner conversations could go back to complaining about the weather or debating whether raisins belong in butter tarts again. I could spend my nights joy scrolling, not doom scrolling. My cortisol levels might even stand a chance.
Let the chaos merchants scream into the void. I’m over it. Give me peace, stability, and a government that isn’t trying to go viral. Let me go to bed knowing that grown-ups are in charge and democracy isn’t on fire.
Make politics boring again. Please. I’m tired.
